I wonder how many of us are regularly let down by partners and or friends. These days I suppose everyone is busy and it's so easy to forget a promise or convenient to ignore what has been said or the obvious needs of someone we are supposed to love. I wish I could somehow insulate myself against this, I never did deal with disappointment well (although I never show it, I have managed to internalise the pain over the years).
It Is hard though when the person knows what they are doing to you, but when you have a relationship with someone who over the years turns out to be more and more narcissistic or perhaps hides their true nature less well. Why don't you leave that person I hear you cry? It's not always that easy, family commitments and the grinding fact that the person in question would go off the rails impossibly badly without my guidance. I would find it very hard to stand back and watch while this person's problems and obsessions destroy them. I do mean destroy too, not an idle use of the word.
So where do we go from here? Well if the relationship broke down totally, or the person in question's actions put them beyond my help and care then I suppose I rebuild my life alone and start again. If not, I will no doubt find myself retreating ever deeper into my fem side.
It is amazing how my fem side eases the hurts, almost as if it provides a gentle cushion, a part of me that remains whole and undamaged enough to help me recover. I wonder if that fem side will one day take over and enable me to feel a complete and worthwhile person again.
Monday 11 July 2011
Wednesday 6 July 2011
Thoughts from a very tired TV
I was just looking at some of the pictures of other "T" gurls on Flickr and Yahoo and I was deeply struck by how unjust life can be. Smiling up at me were pictures of many gurls like myself, some younger, some older. Almost all had gone to real trouble and effort over their appearance. Obviously our male features can make presentation harder, but quite visible is the determination to be the best females that each of us can be.
Now I wouldn't say that any of us are saints, we are all prey to our human faults, weaknesses and prejudices, but I have found over the years that most of us genuinely aspire to what is best in women. Kindness, softness, gentleness and behaving in a loving way really still has value in the TG community. I see less of the sneering cynicism and selfishness that I encounter on a daily basis from so many gender women that I meet. I wonder if that is why there are so many male admirers of "T" gurls these days. I was talking to one some time ago who was telling me about a very beautiful young women he had had a relationship with. He stated in his words "she was as wicked and ugly on the inside as she was beautiful on the outside" . He further commented on how easy everything in her life had been and how he nearly destroyed himself trying to please her. "That is why" he said, he finds trusting women so hard these days and now takes comfort in a loving relationship with a "T" gurl.
It's sad that we who try so hard to represent what is best or most appealing in womanhood have such a mountain to climb in terms of appearance and face such ridicule from large sections of society. What is also sad is how society has been brainwashed into seeing goodness, kindness and nurturing as signs of weakness and that so many women now aspire to outdo the men in bad or "laddish" behaviour, I wonder if this is the best we can do with thousands of years of civilisation.
I think that the best future we can forge will see the nobility once more in service, decency(and I mean moral goodness not shallow sexual repression) and a desire to leave a better world behind than the one we entered. We must step back from the brink where its ok to tread on someone, to hack a murder victim's phone, to feather our nest at someone else's expense and feel not a wrack of conscience.
Now I wouldn't say that any of us are saints, we are all prey to our human faults, weaknesses and prejudices, but I have found over the years that most of us genuinely aspire to what is best in women. Kindness, softness, gentleness and behaving in a loving way really still has value in the TG community. I see less of the sneering cynicism and selfishness that I encounter on a daily basis from so many gender women that I meet. I wonder if that is why there are so many male admirers of "T" gurls these days. I was talking to one some time ago who was telling me about a very beautiful young women he had had a relationship with. He stated in his words "she was as wicked and ugly on the inside as she was beautiful on the outside" . He further commented on how easy everything in her life had been and how he nearly destroyed himself trying to please her. "That is why" he said, he finds trusting women so hard these days and now takes comfort in a loving relationship with a "T" gurl.
It's sad that we who try so hard to represent what is best or most appealing in womanhood have such a mountain to climb in terms of appearance and face such ridicule from large sections of society. What is also sad is how society has been brainwashed into seeing goodness, kindness and nurturing as signs of weakness and that so many women now aspire to outdo the men in bad or "laddish" behaviour, I wonder if this is the best we can do with thousands of years of civilisation.
I think that the best future we can forge will see the nobility once more in service, decency(and I mean moral goodness not shallow sexual repression) and a desire to leave a better world behind than the one we entered. We must step back from the brink where its ok to tread on someone, to hack a murder victim's phone, to feather our nest at someone else's expense and feel not a wrack of conscience.
Sunday 3 July 2011
First new blog
Its a shame, I was thinking about posting a new blog the other day on my Yahoo account when I remembered that they closed it off. My old blogs are there but I can't do any new ones.
I was surprised how few blogging outlets there are now and it's a few day since I was looking and all the piled up thoughts have gone. I think the immediacy of the thought process and feelings are what makes a blog interesting.
Anyway on with today, it's been pretty busy, suddenly from being a nice day spent with my other half she rearranges everything and tells me that I had agreed to it all and that I must have forgotten. It's funny how often I seem to "forget" things when she decides to change her mind, I always seem to have agreed to it and forgotten. It must be very convenient for her.
God I'm sounding bitter, I really need some Sue time and maybe some strenuous sex play. Maybe I'll feel a bit better, being Sue is so comforting I feel like my proper self. The sex thing isn't really part of being transgendered, I don't dress for sexual reasons but sometimes Sue needs sex, quite often really. I suppose all women (gender girls or transgendered ones) have a natural level of libido. I do find that when I'm very unhappy or hurt very intense sex can flush away some of the pain and leave me more tired and content. Again full on anal sex is often the key, the more feminine nature of taking pleasure into the body I find far more deeply fulfilling and cathartic than male masturbation which always leaves me feeling rather dirty and unsatisfied.
We'll see tonight what happens, I might well add to this entry later.
I was surprised how few blogging outlets there are now and it's a few day since I was looking and all the piled up thoughts have gone. I think the immediacy of the thought process and feelings are what makes a blog interesting.
Anyway on with today, it's been pretty busy, suddenly from being a nice day spent with my other half she rearranges everything and tells me that I had agreed to it all and that I must have forgotten. It's funny how often I seem to "forget" things when she decides to change her mind, I always seem to have agreed to it and forgotten. It must be very convenient for her.
God I'm sounding bitter, I really need some Sue time and maybe some strenuous sex play. Maybe I'll feel a bit better, being Sue is so comforting I feel like my proper self. The sex thing isn't really part of being transgendered, I don't dress for sexual reasons but sometimes Sue needs sex, quite often really. I suppose all women (gender girls or transgendered ones) have a natural level of libido. I do find that when I'm very unhappy or hurt very intense sex can flush away some of the pain and leave me more tired and content. Again full on anal sex is often the key, the more feminine nature of taking pleasure into the body I find far more deeply fulfilling and cathartic than male masturbation which always leaves me feeling rather dirty and unsatisfied.
We'll see tonight what happens, I might well add to this entry later.
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