Well it is a terrible shame how work and family stuff have taken so much of my time that I haven't updated my blog in such a very long time.
I was just look at my last post, from the start of 2012. Reading about the slide of my sexual orientation and my feelings at the time. It really is a snapshot in time.
As you can imagine, even though my work has been all consuming since 2012 due to me being the sole breadwinner at various times during that period, my feelings and needs have moved on. I have to say the orientation slide has continued, most of the time my interest is in other t gurls and guys these days. I have noticed that my testosterone levels must have really reduced (no doubt due to my age), erections are much fewer and are hard (sorry about the pun) to maintain for very long.
In short my outlook is becoming more and more feminine. Most of my clothes are actually female clothes and I must present a somewhat androgynous figure these days.
A few months ago, I realised that my so and I had not had sex for more than six months, she isn't interested and I'm beginning to doubt that I could actually perform for her. We rub along in a comfy way, but sex is no longer part of the equation. Strangely that realisation has really helped, I feel that for the first time in my adult life I have the option to be the person I would like to be and no one gets hurt or disappointed because I can't perform. I is a real relief.
I still get turned on very regularly but it feels different, maybe more in the head some how, the most powerful sexual experiences have for a long time been ones where I am penetrated, not the other way round and recently that has become more and more the case.
I have found through a lot of reading up a small number of herbs that will genuinely feminise my body at a slow gentle rate. This way the changes are less likely to arouse any comment through being too sudden. The herbs are Saw Palmetto which works as an anti androgen and Pueraria Mirifica, which is the most powerful phyto oestrogen available. Most people who use these herbs seem to get some results, so watch this space. I may add Fenugreek to the mix as it is known to help with fat re-distribution so that I will hopefully get a smaller waist and a bigger more rounded bottom which would be nice.
I better close now but I will try to enter up any physical changes on this blog when they happen. (I have just start the regime today)
Sunday 3 November 2013
Saturday 7 January 2012
The start of another year
I thought it was about time to put something down about feelings and thoughts as we are beginning 2012. The end of last year was totaly heavy duty with family and work stuff, Illness and injury seems to have dominated the last quarter of 2011 and a huge workload seems to have pushed Sue into the background. Unlike before however I have not been able to ignore my needs and I think that in many ways being Sue has kept me sane and kept me going. I have managed to make time to dress as I needed to and even at the most intense of times my legs have been encased in either stockings or tights and my body and legs have been kept nicely hair free (I do so love that feeling of being really clean when freshly bathed and shaved).
I think the determination to feel nicely turned out with lovely feminine underwear on even when my outside clothes needed to be quite plain has bouyed me up and given me confidence to just keep going.
One thing that has caught me by surprise recently is a "slide" in my sexuallity.... When I was very young I knew was heterosexual..... The fact that I prefered wearing female clothing and was fascinated by the thought of being penetrated rather than being the one doing the penertration hadn't brought self realisation apon me for some reason. I fancied girls and didn't think much about men sexually so I assumed that everything was clear cut!!!! The fact that the Idea of other T gurls turned my tummy to goo and left me shivering and quaking with desire didn't at first cause me to question my outlook has amazed me as I have grown older. As I left my teens I did start to see my self as a "bit" bisexual, a realisation which slowly grew until I accepted that even some guys excited me. It was around this time that I started to understand something that happened to me at school.
Basically it happened while I was with my class in the gymnasium playing basket ball. Several of us stumbled and as I fell over my hand was pushed up the leg of one of my classmates shorts as he also fell. I must have instinctively cupped my hand slightly as it pressed into his cock. I don't remember getting up and as we were in the thick of the game we all got back to playing without a second thought. The guy in question never did say anything, after all neither of us could help it we were both falling and to be honest we were lucky not to have been hurt we fell so hard.
After this I kept thinking about what had happened and was very disturbed by the fact that I felt so turned on by thinking of my hand in his shorts. I even woke up from dreaming about it just as I was cumming on more than one occasion!
It took a long time (God only knows why) for me to realise that guys turned me on too, it seemed to take me quite a bit of mental reajustment but in the end it was OK and I just accepted that I was bisexual and that some guys turned me on. Later I was able to play with other T gurls and even guys and found both exciting in different ways.
The thing that I'm comming to in a very roundabout way is in the last few months I have been thinking and dreaming about guys a lot more. As my feminine side becomes stronger as I get older I'm finding that fewer gender girls/women excite me although t gurls still really turn me on. Men however seem more attractive, the idea of guys making love to me really turns me on these days and if I read a sexy story, look at a sexy picture or watch a sexy video, it is invariably a guy(or sometimes guys) making love to a t gurl and I find myself strongly identifying with her and imagining what she must be feeling.
So after 47 years my sexuallity has slid from the hetero end of bisexuallity all the way to the homo end of bisexuallity and the slide has quickened recently.
All I can wonder is where my journey will lead and how far it will go in 2012, What I do suspect is that this time next year my female side will be stronger still and maybe that "slide" of my sexuallity will have continued!
So here's to a happy and fun 2012, and I hope that all who read this have a good year.
Hugs Suexx
I think the determination to feel nicely turned out with lovely feminine underwear on even when my outside clothes needed to be quite plain has bouyed me up and given me confidence to just keep going.
One thing that has caught me by surprise recently is a "slide" in my sexuallity.... When I was very young I knew was heterosexual..... The fact that I prefered wearing female clothing and was fascinated by the thought of being penetrated rather than being the one doing the penertration hadn't brought self realisation apon me for some reason. I fancied girls and didn't think much about men sexually so I assumed that everything was clear cut!!!! The fact that the Idea of other T gurls turned my tummy to goo and left me shivering and quaking with desire didn't at first cause me to question my outlook has amazed me as I have grown older. As I left my teens I did start to see my self as a "bit" bisexual, a realisation which slowly grew until I accepted that even some guys excited me. It was around this time that I started to understand something that happened to me at school.
Basically it happened while I was with my class in the gymnasium playing basket ball. Several of us stumbled and as I fell over my hand was pushed up the leg of one of my classmates shorts as he also fell. I must have instinctively cupped my hand slightly as it pressed into his cock. I don't remember getting up and as we were in the thick of the game we all got back to playing without a second thought. The guy in question never did say anything, after all neither of us could help it we were both falling and to be honest we were lucky not to have been hurt we fell so hard.
After this I kept thinking about what had happened and was very disturbed by the fact that I felt so turned on by thinking of my hand in his shorts. I even woke up from dreaming about it just as I was cumming on more than one occasion!
It took a long time (God only knows why) for me to realise that guys turned me on too, it seemed to take me quite a bit of mental reajustment but in the end it was OK and I just accepted that I was bisexual and that some guys turned me on. Later I was able to play with other T gurls and even guys and found both exciting in different ways.
The thing that I'm comming to in a very roundabout way is in the last few months I have been thinking and dreaming about guys a lot more. As my feminine side becomes stronger as I get older I'm finding that fewer gender girls/women excite me although t gurls still really turn me on. Men however seem more attractive, the idea of guys making love to me really turns me on these days and if I read a sexy story, look at a sexy picture or watch a sexy video, it is invariably a guy(or sometimes guys) making love to a t gurl and I find myself strongly identifying with her and imagining what she must be feeling.
So after 47 years my sexuallity has slid from the hetero end of bisexuallity all the way to the homo end of bisexuallity and the slide has quickened recently.
All I can wonder is where my journey will lead and how far it will go in 2012, What I do suspect is that this time next year my female side will be stronger still and maybe that "slide" of my sexuallity will have continued!
So here's to a happy and fun 2012, and I hope that all who read this have a good year.
Hugs Suexx
Thursday 24 November 2011
What I've been doing!
Jenny is right it'sd time for an update! Well I have been working very hard, but as I work alone at night I have been thinking I might go back to working with a butt plug inside again. I used to do this all the time for about 5 years but 4 1/2 years ago my work changed and I had to stop. I can only say stopping was a desperate wrench, it sounds silly but I felt so, so empty and misserable, there had been so much comfort and constant gentle pleasure from this little activity and then it was gone. Although my work patern now and as far ahead as I can see would alow me to start doing this again I remembered how misserable I felt when I had to stop and wasn't sure I should start again.
One of my friends Louise has been very supportive and encouraging and has persuaded me to try again, it's amazing how quickly I opened up to a plug the size I used to wear all the time, that really surprised me. What also surprised me was how much more sensitive I am now to the sensations, it's a good thing I was wearing plastic knickers the first night because I came 3 times during the evening without geting even slightly hard or touching that part of my anatomy! I never used to cum like that, but now I'm finding I do cum now and again as I work (it'll really take some getting used too as well!) but it is lovely and my plastic knickers seem to be swimming with cum by the end of each night!
Sorry this post isn't very high brow this time but it is nice to be able to post about something that really brings a smile to my face!
One of my friends Louise has been very supportive and encouraging and has persuaded me to try again, it's amazing how quickly I opened up to a plug the size I used to wear all the time, that really surprised me. What also surprised me was how much more sensitive I am now to the sensations, it's a good thing I was wearing plastic knickers the first night because I came 3 times during the evening without geting even slightly hard or touching that part of my anatomy! I never used to cum like that, but now I'm finding I do cum now and again as I work (it'll really take some getting used too as well!) but it is lovely and my plastic knickers seem to be swimming with cum by the end of each night!
Sorry this post isn't very high brow this time but it is nice to be able to post about something that really brings a smile to my face!
Saturday 29 October 2011
Been a lax gurl again!
Well, once more it's a little while since I last wrote something here. I've taken on a load more contracts at work and work through most weekday nights! (good for the bank account but not good for Sue's needs). One of my friends is thinking about popping in when I'm at work (luckily there's no one arround at that time!). I hope we can have a nice kiss and cuddle and I can then make him cum (probably straight down my throat!) That would certainly make the odd working evening more fun!
At least working alone I can wear more feminine things, perhaps more androdgenous than I would like (yoga pants rather than a skirt) but my clothes are at least feminine.
I haven't yet had a chance to go in to worke plugged or with a dildo inside but I think that it's only a matter of time before the right opportunity presents itself. If I can work comfortably plugged I suspect that it will become a regular thing, I might even end up plugged most of the time. That really would be a dream come true!
At least working alone I can wear more feminine things, perhaps more androdgenous than I would like (yoga pants rather than a skirt) but my clothes are at least feminine.
I haven't yet had a chance to go in to worke plugged or with a dildo inside but I think that it's only a matter of time before the right opportunity presents itself. If I can work comfortably plugged I suspect that it will become a regular thing, I might even end up plugged most of the time. That really would be a dream come true!
Monday 11 July 2011
When we cry inside
I wonder how many of us are regularly let down by partners and or friends. These days I suppose everyone is busy and it's so easy to forget a promise or convenient to ignore what has been said or the obvious needs of someone we are supposed to love. I wish I could somehow insulate myself against this, I never did deal with disappointment well (although I never show it, I have managed to internalise the pain over the years).
It Is hard though when the person knows what they are doing to you, but when you have a relationship with someone who over the years turns out to be more and more narcissistic or perhaps hides their true nature less well. Why don't you leave that person I hear you cry? It's not always that easy, family commitments and the grinding fact that the person in question would go off the rails impossibly badly without my guidance. I would find it very hard to stand back and watch while this person's problems and obsessions destroy them. I do mean destroy too, not an idle use of the word.
So where do we go from here? Well if the relationship broke down totally, or the person in question's actions put them beyond my help and care then I suppose I rebuild my life alone and start again. If not, I will no doubt find myself retreating ever deeper into my fem side.
It is amazing how my fem side eases the hurts, almost as if it provides a gentle cushion, a part of me that remains whole and undamaged enough to help me recover. I wonder if that fem side will one day take over and enable me to feel a complete and worthwhile person again.
It Is hard though when the person knows what they are doing to you, but when you have a relationship with someone who over the years turns out to be more and more narcissistic or perhaps hides their true nature less well. Why don't you leave that person I hear you cry? It's not always that easy, family commitments and the grinding fact that the person in question would go off the rails impossibly badly without my guidance. I would find it very hard to stand back and watch while this person's problems and obsessions destroy them. I do mean destroy too, not an idle use of the word.
So where do we go from here? Well if the relationship broke down totally, or the person in question's actions put them beyond my help and care then I suppose I rebuild my life alone and start again. If not, I will no doubt find myself retreating ever deeper into my fem side.
It is amazing how my fem side eases the hurts, almost as if it provides a gentle cushion, a part of me that remains whole and undamaged enough to help me recover. I wonder if that fem side will one day take over and enable me to feel a complete and worthwhile person again.
Wednesday 6 July 2011
Thoughts from a very tired TV
I was just looking at some of the pictures of other "T" gurls on Flickr and Yahoo and I was deeply struck by how unjust life can be. Smiling up at me were pictures of many gurls like myself, some younger, some older. Almost all had gone to real trouble and effort over their appearance. Obviously our male features can make presentation harder, but quite visible is the determination to be the best females that each of us can be.
Now I wouldn't say that any of us are saints, we are all prey to our human faults, weaknesses and prejudices, but I have found over the years that most of us genuinely aspire to what is best in women. Kindness, softness, gentleness and behaving in a loving way really still has value in the TG community. I see less of the sneering cynicism and selfishness that I encounter on a daily basis from so many gender women that I meet. I wonder if that is why there are so many male admirers of "T" gurls these days. I was talking to one some time ago who was telling me about a very beautiful young women he had had a relationship with. He stated in his words "she was as wicked and ugly on the inside as she was beautiful on the outside" . He further commented on how easy everything in her life had been and how he nearly destroyed himself trying to please her. "That is why" he said, he finds trusting women so hard these days and now takes comfort in a loving relationship with a "T" gurl.
It's sad that we who try so hard to represent what is best or most appealing in womanhood have such a mountain to climb in terms of appearance and face such ridicule from large sections of society. What is also sad is how society has been brainwashed into seeing goodness, kindness and nurturing as signs of weakness and that so many women now aspire to outdo the men in bad or "laddish" behaviour, I wonder if this is the best we can do with thousands of years of civilisation.
I think that the best future we can forge will see the nobility once more in service, decency(and I mean moral goodness not shallow sexual repression) and a desire to leave a better world behind than the one we entered. We must step back from the brink where its ok to tread on someone, to hack a murder victim's phone, to feather our nest at someone else's expense and feel not a wrack of conscience.
Now I wouldn't say that any of us are saints, we are all prey to our human faults, weaknesses and prejudices, but I have found over the years that most of us genuinely aspire to what is best in women. Kindness, softness, gentleness and behaving in a loving way really still has value in the TG community. I see less of the sneering cynicism and selfishness that I encounter on a daily basis from so many gender women that I meet. I wonder if that is why there are so many male admirers of "T" gurls these days. I was talking to one some time ago who was telling me about a very beautiful young women he had had a relationship with. He stated in his words "she was as wicked and ugly on the inside as she was beautiful on the outside" . He further commented on how easy everything in her life had been and how he nearly destroyed himself trying to please her. "That is why" he said, he finds trusting women so hard these days and now takes comfort in a loving relationship with a "T" gurl.
It's sad that we who try so hard to represent what is best or most appealing in womanhood have such a mountain to climb in terms of appearance and face such ridicule from large sections of society. What is also sad is how society has been brainwashed into seeing goodness, kindness and nurturing as signs of weakness and that so many women now aspire to outdo the men in bad or "laddish" behaviour, I wonder if this is the best we can do with thousands of years of civilisation.
I think that the best future we can forge will see the nobility once more in service, decency(and I mean moral goodness not shallow sexual repression) and a desire to leave a better world behind than the one we entered. We must step back from the brink where its ok to tread on someone, to hack a murder victim's phone, to feather our nest at someone else's expense and feel not a wrack of conscience.
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